I'm a genie in a bottle, baby

Well, hello there my fair followers! It has been a interesting/busy few weeks. My sister finally got married. Thank god. I gladly gave her away. I've always wanted to be an only child. In these few weeks I've experienced a few things I have been dying to tell you..... I found something I'm good at...

This talent I'm about to tell you about may not come as a surprise to most of you. If I don't write about my little accomplishments, my big ones won't seem as glorious. I'm not good at a lot of things, but I can make a damn good drink. I have gone through different phases of my beverages of choice. I can proudly say I am exclusively a cocktail kind of girl now. My old favorite; vodka tonic with lime, sure, its delicious but tonic water has 90 calories and is basically sugar water. So, I switched to vodka soda with lime... and its good. But when you're feeling a little crazy here is a drink I made up this weekend. It is a modified version of a flirtini. All you need is: One bottle of Absolute vodka, Champagne, and cranberry juice! Mix to your discretion and drink... A LOT!

Also this weekend, there was a glitch in the universe and I became a straight girl. Not literally like I did the dirty with this guy (not because I'm a prude but keep reading you'll find out why). I did develop a little crushy- crush on this dude. First, I would like to say I was boozing heavy all weekend. While confessing my crush to him... in the bar... and many vodka soda's deep I said *insert slurry voice here* "if you ever cheat on me... the cats are mine" I thought I was being funny. I guess not. This guy is apparently a captain of some yachts in Mexico.. so after I find this out what do I do.... invite myself to live with him *I know it seems fast, but seems right* I said... *I can open a chicken finger (fried chicken) business on shore and give women five fingers a day* I told him.. he politely walked away and sat at the other side of the table. I don't blame him.

So there it is... I have no game with girls or boys... thank god for my excellent drink making ability and my cats....

Peace out!

2 Klonopins....

....and we're off!!! I should be sleeping now, but I'm watching the glorious SOAP network hit TV show "Southern Bells." I am annoyed. These women are nightmares! My personal favorite is Emily, she is *enter southern accent* about as dumb as a rock. Here are some of her favorite pastimes: looking at herself in the mirror with her puffed out over collagen injected lips, fighting for her creditability, fighting with her parents at dinner before prayer time, and looking at herself in the mirror with her puffed out collagen injected lips. She also breaks down, not once but TWICE, in episode four. Meltdown number one-- stylist tells her she looks like every other slut in Vegas. So cry about it-- oh she did. For people to take her more seriously she decides to get a haircut, and CRIES about it. She went from fake tit length to shoulder length. My guess is she forgot her morning cocktail of strong behavioral meds, vodka, Botox, and cocaine. Speaking of cocaine...

This brings me to my next favorite Kellie! She is a hot mess. Twice divorced, she decided she wants to start a dating service called "Dating Sucks." Bitter much? While starting this business she becomes closer to her mother and admits she has a eating disorder and a cocaine problem. Need attention much? If she has a eating disorder why is she a porker of the group? If she has a cocaine problem, why don't we see more Intervention style filming? I want to this this bitch doing lines and fucking men for money and drugs (which is basically what she did in her past two marriages). Anyway...her business is taking off and yadda.. yadda.. yadda... who cares.

This blog has nothing to do with me finding a talent, but who else can I vent my frustration to about my new sisters!

On a brighter note I found a talent! I am really good at....... hmmmm... lost my train of thought... I'm good at..... I guess that subject is to be continued.

OH WAIT! I'm good at procrastination.... I'll blog about that tomorrow....

I've been busy....

Designing my own birds nest head-ware line...



Getting busy...



Riding over sized flying dogs....



Training lions....



Fucking blow-up dolls...





And....becoming a pirate...

Its been over a whole month since I've blogged...

....but in my defense I've been busy doing nothing. This blog was about finding my talent, well I figured it out... my talent is sitting on the couch watching Roseanne re-runs.. also drinking cocktails. I wonder if I can go on Americas got Talent. I have become the scene in the movie of the deadbeat grown-up that eats Fruity Pebbles in front of the TV and lives with their parents. In this movie, the deadbeat is usually a stoner, in real life I can't afford to smoke weed. My life has become that movie. My mom encourages me to do one productive thing a day (ONE!)... I don't know how she puts up with me. I'm a total bitch about too, I act surprised when she wants me to put my cereal bowl in the sink. Anywho.....

Here are some things I have been doing...

I have gone on a series of awkward dates. Turns out I am a total weird-o when it comes to dating. Basically, this bitch ain't got game. The first girl I dated, I will call her Bi-curious for attention, was....confused...to say the least. We hung out a few times and it was totally fine. I liked hanging out with her.. given there was no chemistry, but none the less a cool chick I could go to gay bars with. Sooo... I agreed to hit the bars with her and her friends.. which they were fun too (although guy #1 asked me if lesbians "fo real" scissor..) Fast Forward: Bi-Curious for attention after flirting with an old man and leaving with guy #1 for an hour.. (I was annoyed by this point)... So we go back to her friends apartment, to play drinking games.. I was stranded with no car and just wanted to be in my bed. It was 5:30 in the morning and I finally laid on the couch to catch some... and Bi-curious doesn't sleep on the couch but sleeps with guy #1 behind me on the floor and I got to hear them hump (not something you want to hear on your 4th date). So that was that. We didn't talk after that... until I get a text message weeks later "hey sorry we haven't talked.. just been going through some things." I didn't reply.. I don't date anyone who puts out after four dates and especially when its not me.

I have also been catching up on everything that has ever been on TV....

I recently started watching Gangland. What a great show. I'm thinking about starting a gang just so I can get on that show. My gang will be called "Ginger Avengers" we will shank everyone up that doesn't have red hair or isn't a ginger supporter. Our biggest feud will with organizations against David Caruso. FLGAGAFL... For Life Ginger Avengers, Ginger Avenger For Life.

I wish had more time to tell you about the things I'm not doing with my life, but I have a pool party to attend.

Peace Bitches!

-Hulia