I'm a genie in a bottle, baby

Well, hello there my fair followers! It has been a interesting/busy few weeks. My sister finally got married. Thank god. I gladly gave her away. I've always wanted to be an only child. In these few weeks I've experienced a few things I have been dying to tell you..... I found something I'm good at...

This talent I'm about to tell you about may not come as a surprise to most of you. If I don't write about my little accomplishments, my big ones won't seem as glorious. I'm not good at a lot of things, but I can make a damn good drink. I have gone through different phases of my beverages of choice. I can proudly say I am exclusively a cocktail kind of girl now. My old favorite; vodka tonic with lime, sure, its delicious but tonic water has 90 calories and is basically sugar water. So, I switched to vodka soda with lime... and its good. But when you're feeling a little crazy here is a drink I made up this weekend. It is a modified version of a flirtini. All you need is: One bottle of Absolute vodka, Champagne, and cranberry juice! Mix to your discretion and drink... A LOT!

Also this weekend, there was a glitch in the universe and I became a straight girl. Not literally like I did the dirty with this guy (not because I'm a prude but keep reading you'll find out why). I did develop a little crushy- crush on this dude. First, I would like to say I was boozing heavy all weekend. While confessing my crush to him... in the bar... and many vodka soda's deep I said *insert slurry voice here* "if you ever cheat on me... the cats are mine" I thought I was being funny. I guess not. This guy is apparently a captain of some yachts in Mexico.. so after I find this out what do I do.... invite myself to live with him *I know it seems fast, but seems right* I said... *I can open a chicken finger (fried chicken) business on shore and give women five fingers a day* I told him.. he politely walked away and sat at the other side of the table. I don't blame him.

So there it is... I have no game with girls or boys... thank god for my excellent drink making ability and my cats....

Peace out!

2 Klonopins....

....and we're off!!! I should be sleeping now, but I'm watching the glorious SOAP network hit TV show "Southern Bells." I am annoyed. These women are nightmares! My personal favorite is Emily, she is *enter southern accent* about as dumb as a rock. Here are some of her favorite pastimes: looking at herself in the mirror with her puffed out over collagen injected lips, fighting for her creditability, fighting with her parents at dinner before prayer time, and looking at herself in the mirror with her puffed out collagen injected lips. She also breaks down, not once but TWICE, in episode four. Meltdown number one-- stylist tells her she looks like every other slut in Vegas. So cry about it-- oh she did. For people to take her more seriously she decides to get a haircut, and CRIES about it. She went from fake tit length to shoulder length. My guess is she forgot her morning cocktail of strong behavioral meds, vodka, Botox, and cocaine. Speaking of cocaine...

This brings me to my next favorite Kellie! She is a hot mess. Twice divorced, she decided she wants to start a dating service called "Dating Sucks." Bitter much? While starting this business she becomes closer to her mother and admits she has a eating disorder and a cocaine problem. Need attention much? If she has a eating disorder why is she a porker of the group? If she has a cocaine problem, why don't we see more Intervention style filming? I want to this this bitch doing lines and fucking men for money and drugs (which is basically what she did in her past two marriages). Anyway...her business is taking off and yadda.. yadda.. yadda... who cares.

This blog has nothing to do with me finding a talent, but who else can I vent my frustration to about my new sisters!

On a brighter note I found a talent! I am really good at....... hmmmm... lost my train of thought... I'm good at..... I guess that subject is to be continued.

OH WAIT! I'm good at procrastination.... I'll blog about that tomorrow....

I've been busy....

Designing my own birds nest head-ware line...



Getting busy...



Riding over sized flying dogs....



Training lions....



Fucking blow-up dolls...





And....becoming a pirate...

Its been over a whole month since I've blogged...

....but in my defense I've been busy doing nothing. This blog was about finding my talent, well I figured it out... my talent is sitting on the couch watching Roseanne re-runs.. also drinking cocktails. I wonder if I can go on Americas got Talent. I have become the scene in the movie of the deadbeat grown-up that eats Fruity Pebbles in front of the TV and lives with their parents. In this movie, the deadbeat is usually a stoner, in real life I can't afford to smoke weed. My life has become that movie. My mom encourages me to do one productive thing a day (ONE!)... I don't know how she puts up with me. I'm a total bitch about too, I act surprised when she wants me to put my cereal bowl in the sink. Anywho.....

Here are some things I have been doing...

I have gone on a series of awkward dates. Turns out I am a total weird-o when it comes to dating. Basically, this bitch ain't got game. The first girl I dated, I will call her Bi-curious for attention, was....confused...to say the least. We hung out a few times and it was totally fine. I liked hanging out with her.. given there was no chemistry, but none the less a cool chick I could go to gay bars with. Sooo... I agreed to hit the bars with her and her friends.. which they were fun too (although guy #1 asked me if lesbians "fo real" scissor..) Fast Forward: Bi-Curious for attention after flirting with an old man and leaving with guy #1 for an hour.. (I was annoyed by this point)... So we go back to her friends apartment, to play drinking games.. I was stranded with no car and just wanted to be in my bed. It was 5:30 in the morning and I finally laid on the couch to catch some... and Bi-curious doesn't sleep on the couch but sleeps with guy #1 behind me on the floor and I got to hear them hump (not something you want to hear on your 4th date). So that was that. We didn't talk after that... until I get a text message weeks later "hey sorry we haven't talked.. just been going through some things." I didn't reply.. I don't date anyone who puts out after four dates and especially when its not me.

I have also been catching up on everything that has ever been on TV....

I recently started watching Gangland. What a great show. I'm thinking about starting a gang just so I can get on that show. My gang will be called "Ginger Avengers" we will shank everyone up that doesn't have red hair or isn't a ginger supporter. Our biggest feud will with organizations against David Caruso. FLGAGAFL... For Life Ginger Avengers, Ginger Avenger For Life.

I wish had more time to tell you about the things I'm not doing with my life, but I have a pool party to attend.

Peace Bitches!

-Hulia

Cheers to the creative team at Glidden

Whoever thinks of names for the colors on the paint chips is a genius. I'm debating between Swan White or Marshmallow White for the ceilings. I'm leaning towards Swan White. Mom said that Marshmallow White is to white. Making a another trip to Home Depot this fine Sunday evening... I let you know the final decision.

Project 2: I am starting an herb garden tonight... Thyme, basil, cellantro, sage, and rosemary. HOLLLLAAA!!!!

Painting begins...

Howdy. Tomorrow is a big day for me, I'm going to Home Depot to pick out paint chips. It is almost like tomorrow is Christmas.. I can barely sleep because of all the excitement. I can't decide what I should wear, its between butch, coveralls outfits or feminine dress, please help me mister. I'm leaning towards coveralls... when in Rome mentality for shore.

Here are things I'm going to get: 1. Home Depot painters how to book 2. a full on painters suit. Complete with the white hazmat suit and white painters hat, I am super excited to say the least 3. paint chips. This is really the least of my worries, I'm planning on taking ever sample paint chip and putting them in my huge purse like a clepto. I love free things. 5. Painting supplies, which is hard for me to tell you what those things are right now, because I know nothing until I read my how to book. 6. many awkward stares while I'm pretending to take a shit in the fake toilets.

My parents have been a little reluctant to let me start this endeavor. I keep asking my mom, Paula, "so how we gunna do this thing" and she really hesitatingly says "welllll..... we neeed to talk to your father and discuss exactly what we are doing..." The bitch is putting me off. Have no fear, I usually nag them until I get what I want. I know that sounds like a total brat, but fuck, I learn from my mom. I don't blame my parents for being, lets say, extra cautious. Refer to the pictures of my last painting project.





And that folks is how the cookie crumbles.

So tomorrow my adventure starts.... Stay with me people...

Hulia

trying all trades and will hopefully become a master of one

Hi! I'm Julia. I'm unemployed, and I have no skills. I (almost) graduated college a year ago. I worked in debt collections for five months, after three years at a smoothie joint and now I am jobless with no experience at anything credible. Sure, the job market is tough, but I just don't have skills that will take me anywhere. I wasn't a great debt collector (actually the worst in the office, it said so on the daily flow charts), I could make a decent smoothie, but it would have been years before I could get promoted to assistant manager.

So here I am, back at home living with my parents, jobless. Not a desirable situation to say the least. I've applied for a few jobs. Many rejection letters later, my parents said I could help them out around the house. What a great opportunity to try a bunch of different things! This summer I'm going to pick up random jobs and learn how to do them.

The the first job I'm going to try out is painting. Years ago my sister and I wanted to paint our rooms. My parents, lets us do it on ourselves. Which is retrospect was probably one of their biggest parenting mistakes. The rooms are UGLY. So I will start tomorrow prepping, and you will soon be on a journey of random jobs with me.

I must go take my third nap for day. Peace.

Hulia.