Acid Flashbacks

I always heard "if you drop acid you will have flashbacks for the REST OF YOUR LIFE," I disagree. The only flashbacks I've had is wanting to go back when I was dropping acid. Acid is so much fun. College was so much fun. I have really missed college lately. Everyone talks about how crazy there college years were. I read the book "I hope they serve beer in hell," it was ok, funny sometimes, but the whole time I thought the guy was a grade A d- bag. The premise is about banging different chicks and using daddies money to get hammered, it is funny for three chapters after it gets old. Which I guess happened to my friendship group after '07-08... all the drugs and drinking got old. Although, I'm still friends with everyone, it wasn't like it used to be. People moved on, started doing different things, which is ok. Because when you party like we did for an extended period that is how you end up meeting Jeff VonVonderen on Intervention. Alas, I wish I could go back for a weekend, but until I can hop into the Delorean I'm stuck with my memories.

On that note, this is what I do these days: Sit on the couch and watch TV. I found myself excited over the new "What Would You Do" on Friday. This episode John Quinones asks "what would you do if you saw doctors getting drunk before an emergency call?".... good question John.. what would I do? I would probably scope out if they are lesbian lovers, because my dream lover would be a doctor. For obvious reasons: women who save people are hot. I digress, the point is... I'm bored. After softball ended I feel like I have no meaning to my life again. But there is always a light at the end of a tunnel, I was accepted to Solano Community College!!! Thats right, IM GOING TO COMMUNITY COLLEGE! I am so excited. I really want to get good grades this time around. I'm going to get a lunch box, a five star binder, and a new backpack! I unfortunately have to retake classes that I fucked up my last couple of years in college. Like English 102... I took that class fucking 3 times and, still couldn't get a good grade.Probably because I reused all my papers and never read the material. So that's happening....

I was watching something on VH1 about Asher Roth, you remember our friend. The one hit wonder, middle class white boy? No? It's ok not many people do. Here is the video link in case you need a reminder: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qYx7YG0RsFY. After hearing this song, it got me thinking, I MISS COLLEGE. Asher Roth was completely right, because life after college sucks hairy balls. I wrote my own little ditty that we song after college.

I Miss College
That SVU last night was awfully crazy I wish I taped it
I did my laundry so I don’t go to work completely naked
Drank a glass of wine and pet my cat watch DWTS while I get fat
Pass out at 10 wake up at 7 drink my coffee then do it again
Man, I miss college

Real life makes me want to go to college for the rest of my life
Watch 20/20 and dateline every night
Do Thursday spin class and Tuesday cardio light
Eat pizza while friends watch the Paquiao Fight

So drink a glass of wine, while I lay supine
Dinner on the table, you want what?
I’m a champion at The Office Trivia
Steve Carrell , Rain Wilson

Don’t come over unless you bring a dish, to share
You better hope everyone likes it or you’ll get the death stare
Time isn’t wasted getting well rested
Woke up today and all I could say is…

That SVU last night was awfully crazy I wish I taped it
I did my laundry so I don’t go to work completely naked
Drank a glass of wine and pet my cat watch DWTS while I get fat
Pass out at 10 wake up at 7 drink my coffee then do it again

Man, I miss college, ay!
And I miss drinking, ay!
I (still) love women, ay!
Man, I miss college

It's that time again......

WHOA, I'm back! It has been months since my last blog. So long that I didn't remember my last postings. It's hard to channel creative energy when your busy. Don't look so shocked... I HAVE BEEN BUSY! No, I haven't just been napping and living a life a luxury like most unemployed people do... I have been giving back to my community and ya know.... things.

The goal for this blog is to try different things and eventually find something that I'm good at, or actually like doing. For the past year and a half I have been searching for my niche in life. Its not an easy task. Although my plan was to try manual labor, different creative projects, and things that I should know how to do anyway (i.e, fix a flat tire or go normal on a first date). I failed because I didn't actually do anything I was planning on. I was not made for hard labor or anything domestic. If you remember, my first plan of attack was to paint my sisters old bedroom. Here is a recap on how that worked out: I patched half a wall. I also tried to fix a hole in my partigan* and it was fixed until I washed it and it was the holy (yes it is holy) partigan again. This blog hasn't gone the way I intended it to go, but I have done some positive things I would like to share with you in a picture blog.

In this time off from writing I have...

Coached a middle school softball team. IT WAS AWESOME! This, by far, is the best thing I have done in years. I realized that I could see myself working with kids, which has encouraged me to go back to school. I finally figured out what I could do with my life because of my bad news bears softball team. On the other note my talent in NOT field maintenance.

This was my first time.... not great as you can see.


This was my second time. Apparently, in slowpitch softball there aren't supposed to be pitchers circle. You can't tell but this circle is about 3/4th of the infield.


Practice makes perfect, my friends. Although the season ended before I actually did a good job lining the field... there was a lot of improvement.



Here are some other things I have been doing these past couple of months.....

Snuggling in my snuggie. Tenderoni may look like he wants nothing to do with me or the snuggie, he is actually very fond of the snuggie. He likes that my hands are free to pet him at his discretion.


I did a puzzle.


I drew pictures of peni (that islatin for lots of penis).


I drank a canned drink popular amongst college students. Four Loko. You will be drunk after a sip and yes, grape flavor is the best.


I sat in the park and sang the full house theme.



And of course I drank.......


and drank.....



drank some more....



and then drank...........



My promise to you, my dear followers.. I promise to blog in a timely manner and most importantly, I promise to never be sober on a Saturday.

PEACE BITCHES!

*partigan: the cardigan I party in

eharmony.com

I need to find a companion. It's lonely out here, and sometimes its nice to have someone around to stroke your ego (and whatever). As a lesbian it is hard to meet women. Especially sane women. So I'm joining eharmony.com

my personal add.

about me: 5'5, more to love, red haired angel.I love to watch Roseanne re-runs, and do crosswords. I have two cats, who are my life. They sleep with me in my bed. I like to drink, a lot. I like to party. Whats wrong with a Tuesday night bender? I am a smoker. I am also unemployed.

about my date: rich (and not the man named "rich"), talented, steady job, someone who will support me, and love my cats equally.

Who wants to date me?

Peace out!

Why should the chicken look both ways before crossing the road?

I am writing today to make a confession....


I live in the county of Vallejo, there is a lot of land, animals, farms, and meth. To go a long with the crack heads, living in a cute hacienda down the street are Mexican drug lords. They have a mansion on street full of shacks. They have Escalades with blacked out windows, classic cars, even an old school carriage. No these things don't make them drug lords, but what does is that their house has been burned down twice, followed by a series of robberies (with nothing reported stolen). Needless to say, when I drive by their house, I look straight ahead. Why am I telling you about this you ask....

The other morning I was driving home from the hospital(my dad had a procedure, he is totally fine). We had to be at the hospital at 6:30am... 6:30 AM! After my bender at my local watering hole, Gentleman Jim's (Thursday night karaoke), I dragged myself out of bed at 6 hung over to take my dad. I was a total space cadet driving home... driving in the HOV lanes.. forgot to pay toll... a hot mess....

I'm finally close to home and as I'm passing the drug house, their innocent chicken ran in the road..... I'm a murderer. I ran over the drug lords chicken. This is punishable by death in many countries. Should I send my condolences? Give them 10 more chickens? Go into hiding? Either way, it has been a rough couple of days, scared for my life and knowing I'm a killer on the run. Life as a fugitive isn't easy. ...

In other news, I'm officially 24. I figure this is my last year to try to get my shit together. The other night I went out to a gay bar with our old friend, bi-curious for attention. This older woman (who was wasted!) came up to us, and started asking us 21 questions. The conversation went like this--

Drunk Geriatric: Are you guys together?
Me: Well.. we are here together....
Drunk Geriatric: No! Are you *together*?
Bi-curious: NO
Drunk Geriatric: So you ladies are single? And not together?
Me: You are correct
Drunk Geriatric: *she turns to me* where are you from?
Me: *sigh* Vallejo *side note: Vallejo does not have a good rep around NorCal*
Drunk Geriatric: So what do you do, Vallejo?
Me: Nothing
Drunk Geriatric: So you're from Vallejo and you do nothing.....

Drunk Geriatric quickly started hitting on Bi-curious. I had to tell her that I am jobless and live in Vallejo not only once, but four fucking times, due to drunky G's inebriated state. She made me say my *situation* out loud and it really hurt my pride.

On that note, I am currently looking for a job. I have for three jobs online. I really have no ambition. My mom keeps asking me if I am drugs, I almost wish I could say yes but I suffer from a disease called apathy and laziness. For a while I convinced Paula mono reared its ugly head again (I had mono when I was 18), and I couldn't start working until I felt better. Then she realized mono was just a hangover.. Updates soon to come on the job front.

Peace out!

I'm a genie in a bottle, baby

Well, hello there my fair followers! It has been a interesting/busy few weeks. My sister finally got married. Thank god. I gladly gave her away. I've always wanted to be an only child. In these few weeks I've experienced a few things I have been dying to tell you..... I found something I'm good at...

This talent I'm about to tell you about may not come as a surprise to most of you. If I don't write about my little accomplishments, my big ones won't seem as glorious. I'm not good at a lot of things, but I can make a damn good drink. I have gone through different phases of my beverages of choice. I can proudly say I am exclusively a cocktail kind of girl now. My old favorite; vodka tonic with lime, sure, its delicious but tonic water has 90 calories and is basically sugar water. So, I switched to vodka soda with lime... and its good. But when you're feeling a little crazy here is a drink I made up this weekend. It is a modified version of a flirtini. All you need is: One bottle of Absolute vodka, Champagne, and cranberry juice! Mix to your discretion and drink... A LOT!

Also this weekend, there was a glitch in the universe and I became a straight girl. Not literally like I did the dirty with this guy (not because I'm a prude but keep reading you'll find out why). I did develop a little crushy- crush on this dude. First, I would like to say I was boozing heavy all weekend. While confessing my crush to him... in the bar... and many vodka soda's deep I said *insert slurry voice here* "if you ever cheat on me... the cats are mine" I thought I was being funny. I guess not. This guy is apparently a captain of some yachts in Mexico.. so after I find this out what do I do.... invite myself to live with him *I know it seems fast, but seems right* I said... *I can open a chicken finger (fried chicken) business on shore and give women five fingers a day* I told him.. he politely walked away and sat at the other side of the table. I don't blame him.

So there it is... I have no game with girls or boys... thank god for my excellent drink making ability and my cats....

Peace out!

2 Klonopins....

....and we're off!!! I should be sleeping now, but I'm watching the glorious SOAP network hit TV show "Southern Bells." I am annoyed. These women are nightmares! My personal favorite is Emily, she is *enter southern accent* about as dumb as a rock. Here are some of her favorite pastimes: looking at herself in the mirror with her puffed out over collagen injected lips, fighting for her creditability, fighting with her parents at dinner before prayer time, and looking at herself in the mirror with her puffed out collagen injected lips. She also breaks down, not once but TWICE, in episode four. Meltdown number one-- stylist tells her she looks like every other slut in Vegas. So cry about it-- oh she did. For people to take her more seriously she decides to get a haircut, and CRIES about it. She went from fake tit length to shoulder length. My guess is she forgot her morning cocktail of strong behavioral meds, vodka, Botox, and cocaine. Speaking of cocaine...

This brings me to my next favorite Kellie! She is a hot mess. Twice divorced, she decided she wants to start a dating service called "Dating Sucks." Bitter much? While starting this business she becomes closer to her mother and admits she has a eating disorder and a cocaine problem. Need attention much? If she has a eating disorder why is she a porker of the group? If she has a cocaine problem, why don't we see more Intervention style filming? I want to this this bitch doing lines and fucking men for money and drugs (which is basically what she did in her past two marriages). Anyway...her business is taking off and yadda.. yadda.. yadda... who cares.

This blog has nothing to do with me finding a talent, but who else can I vent my frustration to about my new sisters!

On a brighter note I found a talent! I am really good at....... hmmmm... lost my train of thought... I'm good at..... I guess that subject is to be continued.

OH WAIT! I'm good at procrastination.... I'll blog about that tomorrow....

I've been busy....

Designing my own birds nest head-ware line...



Getting busy...



Riding over sized flying dogs....



Training lions....



Fucking blow-up dolls...





And....becoming a pirate...

Its been over a whole month since I've blogged...

....but in my defense I've been busy doing nothing. This blog was about finding my talent, well I figured it out... my talent is sitting on the couch watching Roseanne re-runs.. also drinking cocktails. I wonder if I can go on Americas got Talent. I have become the scene in the movie of the deadbeat grown-up that eats Fruity Pebbles in front of the TV and lives with their parents. In this movie, the deadbeat is usually a stoner, in real life I can't afford to smoke weed. My life has become that movie. My mom encourages me to do one productive thing a day (ONE!)... I don't know how she puts up with me. I'm a total bitch about too, I act surprised when she wants me to put my cereal bowl in the sink. Anywho.....

Here are some things I have been doing...

I have gone on a series of awkward dates. Turns out I am a total weird-o when it comes to dating. Basically, this bitch ain't got game. The first girl I dated, I will call her Bi-curious for attention, was....confused...to say the least. We hung out a few times and it was totally fine. I liked hanging out with her.. given there was no chemistry, but none the less a cool chick I could go to gay bars with. Sooo... I agreed to hit the bars with her and her friends.. which they were fun too (although guy #1 asked me if lesbians "fo real" scissor..) Fast Forward: Bi-Curious for attention after flirting with an old man and leaving with guy #1 for an hour.. (I was annoyed by this point)... So we go back to her friends apartment, to play drinking games.. I was stranded with no car and just wanted to be in my bed. It was 5:30 in the morning and I finally laid on the couch to catch some... and Bi-curious doesn't sleep on the couch but sleeps with guy #1 behind me on the floor and I got to hear them hump (not something you want to hear on your 4th date). So that was that. We didn't talk after that... until I get a text message weeks later "hey sorry we haven't talked.. just been going through some things." I didn't reply.. I don't date anyone who puts out after four dates and especially when its not me.

I have also been catching up on everything that has ever been on TV....

I recently started watching Gangland. What a great show. I'm thinking about starting a gang just so I can get on that show. My gang will be called "Ginger Avengers" we will shank everyone up that doesn't have red hair or isn't a ginger supporter. Our biggest feud will with organizations against David Caruso. FLGAGAFL... For Life Ginger Avengers, Ginger Avenger For Life.

I wish had more time to tell you about the things I'm not doing with my life, but I have a pool party to attend.

Peace Bitches!

-Hulia

Cheers to the creative team at Glidden

Whoever thinks of names for the colors on the paint chips is a genius. I'm debating between Swan White or Marshmallow White for the ceilings. I'm leaning towards Swan White. Mom said that Marshmallow White is to white. Making a another trip to Home Depot this fine Sunday evening... I let you know the final decision.

Project 2: I am starting an herb garden tonight... Thyme, basil, cellantro, sage, and rosemary. HOLLLLAAA!!!!

Painting begins...

Howdy. Tomorrow is a big day for me, I'm going to Home Depot to pick out paint chips. It is almost like tomorrow is Christmas.. I can barely sleep because of all the excitement. I can't decide what I should wear, its between butch, coveralls outfits or feminine dress, please help me mister. I'm leaning towards coveralls... when in Rome mentality for shore.

Here are things I'm going to get: 1. Home Depot painters how to book 2. a full on painters suit. Complete with the white hazmat suit and white painters hat, I am super excited to say the least 3. paint chips. This is really the least of my worries, I'm planning on taking ever sample paint chip and putting them in my huge purse like a clepto. I love free things. 5. Painting supplies, which is hard for me to tell you what those things are right now, because I know nothing until I read my how to book. 6. many awkward stares while I'm pretending to take a shit in the fake toilets.

My parents have been a little reluctant to let me start this endeavor. I keep asking my mom, Paula, "so how we gunna do this thing" and she really hesitatingly says "welllll..... we neeed to talk to your father and discuss exactly what we are doing..." The bitch is putting me off. Have no fear, I usually nag them until I get what I want. I know that sounds like a total brat, but fuck, I learn from my mom. I don't blame my parents for being, lets say, extra cautious. Refer to the pictures of my last painting project.





And that folks is how the cookie crumbles.

So tomorrow my adventure starts.... Stay with me people...

Hulia

trying all trades and will hopefully become a master of one

Hi! I'm Julia. I'm unemployed, and I have no skills. I (almost) graduated college a year ago. I worked in debt collections for five months, after three years at a smoothie joint and now I am jobless with no experience at anything credible. Sure, the job market is tough, but I just don't have skills that will take me anywhere. I wasn't a great debt collector (actually the worst in the office, it said so on the daily flow charts), I could make a decent smoothie, but it would have been years before I could get promoted to assistant manager.

So here I am, back at home living with my parents, jobless. Not a desirable situation to say the least. I've applied for a few jobs. Many rejection letters later, my parents said I could help them out around the house. What a great opportunity to try a bunch of different things! This summer I'm going to pick up random jobs and learn how to do them.

The the first job I'm going to try out is painting. Years ago my sister and I wanted to paint our rooms. My parents, lets us do it on ourselves. Which is retrospect was probably one of their biggest parenting mistakes. The rooms are UGLY. So I will start tomorrow prepping, and you will soon be on a journey of random jobs with me.

I must go take my third nap for day. Peace.

Hulia.